My first novel, My Friend Sancho, is now on the stands across India. It is a contemporary love story set in Mumbai, and was longlisted for the Man Asian Literary Prize 2008. To learn more about the book, click here.
How can you date a woman who is your sister’s (cousin) sautan?
That’s Neetu Kapoor telling her son Ranbir Kapoor why he shouldn’t be dating Nandita Mahtani. (She—Mahtani, not Neetu—was “married to Sanjay Kapur who is now married to Karisma, Ranbir’s cousin sister.”) All this according to HT Tabloid, who use words like “supposedly” in just the right places.
But it’s a great quote, and even if it wasn’t said, it deserves to have been.
Q. Do we have to pay any bribe for getting work done in KIADB ?
A. No, If any Board Official demands bribe or inordinately delays processing of papers and /or misbehaves in any manner, the same should immediately be brought to the notice of CEO & EM either orally or in writing.
I really shouldn’t be so cynical, but my immediate reaction to that is, “Ya, right!”
Dia Mirza isn’t happy with men and she blames William Shakespeare. She says:
[Shakespeare] is the cause of most of women’s problems. He created such flowery, charming and beautiful men that women’s expectations went sky high. But the truth is that men are hardly like that.
Right. King Lear was flowery, charming and beautiful. Anyway, even if the men don’t live up to Ms Mirza’s expectations, horses do. She’s just good friends with a horse called Brownie, and has this to say about him:
Brownie is the most intimate part of my life these days. He is the most handsome thing I have seen till date. To complete the package, he is also very loving. He is the horse I am riding right now and I spend hours just talking to him.
A horse that is loving, and that Dia Mirza spends hours talking to? My day is made, friends, just imagining the sight. Have a good day.
PS: I hope the men reading this realise the secret of Brownie’s success: he’s a good listener. That, and the occasional nuzzle, is clearly the secret. Please don’t try to be flowery.
Now that the beauty of the Taj Mahal has been validated by the West, it is time to get ready to vote for the next big international contest. India Uncut is planning to conduct an online poll to find the Seven Public Toilet Wonders of the World. This is an important celebration of our modernity—culture and music existed 1000 years ago, but hygienic latrines weren’t so commonplace.
Voting details will be announced later. For now, let me simply say that it is important for India’s national pride for Sulabh Shauchalaya to finish among the Seven Public Toilet Wonders. So please tell all your friends about it, and begin a personal campaign for this noble cause.
Needless to say, when the Sulabh Shauchalaya is included in the final list, I shall flush with joy.
Posted by Amit Varma on 09 July, 2007 in
Britney Spears apologized for attacking a photographer’s car with an umbrella in February, saying that at the time she was preparing to try out for a movie part and got carried away. [...]
“I apologize to the pap for a stunt that was done 4 months ago regarding an umbrella,” Spears said in a statement posted Wednesday on her Web site. “I was preparing my character for a roll (sic) in a movie where the husband never plays his part so they switch places accidentally. I take all my rolls very seriously and got a little carried away. Unfortunately I didn’t get the part.”
Comparing me with Mallika [Sherawat] is like restraining my sex appeal. I am much more sexier than her. I think, her appearances are not bold enough and I can be far bolder that her. I target to be among the top actresses of the film industry in the coming years.
Oh boy, I love Mid Day. Their headlines are works of art, and they provide finer entertainment than Bollywood, cricket and APJ Abdul Kalam put together. Consider these specimens, all from today, reproduced below as I found them, typos and all:
Note that I am praising just the headlines, not the actual articles they lead to. (The picture and caption in the first one are priceless, actually.) The stories don’t matter—journalism is commonplace, but such marvellous entertainment is rare. Long live Mid Day.
It urged motorists to obey traffic regulations, drive with a moral sense and to pray when behind the wheel.
Anyone who’s been held up behind a particularly slow vehicle because the driver is speaking on his mobile phone will know how bad men are at multi-tasking. My request to all those reading this report would be not to pray while driving. Just drive. Please.
The reporter was also at a news conference given by a gentleman at the Vatican named Cardinal Renato Martino.
He [Cardinal Martino] noted that the Bible was full of people on the move, including Mary and Joseph, the parents of Jesus - and that his office was responsible for dealing with all “itinerant” people - from refugees to prostitutes, truck drivers to the homeless.
Really, what to say now, this is most poignant. Our country, like every other country, certainly has plenty of people seeking love. And many of these people get successful: just consider our population.
In all this, if India Uncut can play a small part, it will be my privilege. Thank you for coming.
Posted by Amit Varma on 23 June, 2007 in
Don’t you deny it, this is what every man dreams of:
And for more YouTube fun, below the fold check out a summation of Rajnikant’s magic, so you can forever rest assured that he is a “Boom Boom Boomer” with “a Colgate smile” and “stretchable underwear,” a “cow chewing gum” with a “fuck-fuck finger,” and much more. Tenacious trepidation thunders.
He can’t even eat by himself. How will he throw stones at the police?
—Kamti Devi, the aunt of a two-year-old boy in Patna who has been “accused of leading rioters in an attack on policemen in Bihar.” Heh.
This kid may be innocent, but we really should teach them young, I say. Like they have the Spelling Bee in the US, we should have the Rioting Bee here. Then we can truly reap the demographic dividend when these kids grow up.
The Madhya Pradesh government has banned the sale of Crezendo condom in the state saying it’s against Indian culture.
Public Works Minister in BJP-ruled Madhya Pradesh Kailash Vijayvargiya has taken up cudgels against Hindustan Latex Ltd’s condom on behalf of the government.
Vijayvargiya says the condom is a sex toy and will not be allowed to be sold in the state.
I’d argue that the penis is a sex toy and should be banned from Madhya Pradesh as well. And I’m also most curious to know what a public works minister is doing commenting on this matter. What public works?
CNN-IBN’s TV news report on this is also hilarious—I love the back-and-forth between the anchor and the reporter, and I’d take their tone as mock seriousness if they weren’t always like this. The vox pops are immense fun too. These reporters are going to put satirists out of work. Watch:
Maybe they figured he had his own transport. No, quips aside, this is quite stupid, and I hope the airlines in question figure that they can get a slight competitive advantage, at least in terms of image, by taking special care of the disabled. (I also hope they don’t do cheesy ad campaigns about it, with lines like “So what if you have wheels—we’ll help you fly!”)
And the rhetoric of that disability rights group is quite over the top.
Anyway, the last four paras of that story seem to be transplanted from somewhere else: what could the cost of living index have to do with airlines and wheelchairs? WTF?
(Link via email from Ojas Sabnis, who got it from Shailesh Tavate.)
Update: Those extra paras are gone!
Posted by Amit Varma on 19 June, 2007 in
She said she had been guided in her transformation by a spiritual adviser who told her: “My spirit or soul did not like the way I was being seen and that is why I was sent to jail.” But redemption was at hand. “God has released me. I feel that the purpose of my life is to be where I am.”
Indeed. Such a pity, though, that “the absence of face cream had left her skin parched.” Prison is supposed to reform people, not deform them.
Giving birth is like running a nation! And women who go through it, are truly angels.
So for all practical purposes, Mahima has experience in governance, and also the character that the job requires. Mahima for president!
(Disclaimer: I don’t know if I should confess this, but when I joined Channel [V] in 1995, Mahima, then known as Ritu Chaudhary, was the first VJ I wrote for. If she is elected, I shall offer her my speech-writing services for free. I can’t match Mr Kalam’s poems, but I do have the requisite appreciation of purplocity.)
Sigh. Isn’t the logo above, unveiled recently for the 2012 Olympics, in a class of its own for badness? Have the gentlemen who selected this design never heard of the virtues of simplicity? How they must all hate the Swoosh.
And can you believe they paid £400,000 for this? (That’s about Rs 3.2 crore.) Pestilential parakeets plunder.
Because of greater efficiency, we will be able to price our tickets higher.
And then, Venus Williams, after losing in the French Open to Jelena Jankovic:
I actually feel like I’m playing well. I just made errors before her.
It reminds me of the time Don Bradman said, “I saw much better batsmen than I was. Lots of them… they just kept getting out.” Bradman, of course, was being modest, or maybe naughtily funny. Williams, I think, just misses the point entirely.
And for more WTF action, here’s someone complaining about her allegedly gay bunnies. (Via email from MadMan.) What to say now?