Category Archives: Dialogue
I’d like to humbly suggest a brief storyline to the fine creators of Savita Bhabhi:
It is a hot summer day. Savita Bhabhi is relaxing at home in a skimpy choli and petticoat, and no underwear. The doorbell rings. She opens the door and finds three stern-looking policemen.
“Yes, gentlemen,” she says. “How can I help you?”
“Er, we are from the moral police,” the chief inspector says. “We have come to warn you about your behaviour.”
“What behaviour?” says Savita Bhabhi.
“Your lewd and lascivious conduct,” says one policeman.
“You are corrupting the youth of our country,” says another.
“Sex is not in our culture,” says their chief. “We grow babies on lotus flowers.”
“Oh really,” says Savita Bhabhi. “Then I promise to behave. But why don’t you gentlemen come in and have some nimbu sharbat? It is a hot day, and all of you are sweating.”
Well, you know what happens next—it ends in, ahem, free expression. And here, via email from MadMan, is what inspired me to think of this storyline.
Also, Sanjeev points me to the line of the day, from the Savita Bhabhi website:
All the positions in the Savita Bhabhi team are voluntary and honarary.
Heh.
Earlier...
Posted by Amit Varma on 08 June, 2008 in
Arts and entertainment |
Dialogue |
Freedom |
India |
News
The anecdote of the day comes from Lou Cannon:
In 1976, [Gerald] Ford had never run for office beyond his Grand Rapids congressional district; while an estimable human being and an underrated president, he was a plodding campaigner and often a dreadful public speaker. His speechwriters once tried to improve his delivery by writing the words “WITH EMPHASIS” in the margin of his text. Ford, denouncing something or other as “nonsense,” incorporated the notes into his speech and told a startled audience: “I say to you this is nonsense with emphasis!”
Meanwhile, it seems that Hillary Clinton has said that she is ready to be the VP candidate of a man she has constantly decried as being too inexperienced for the top job and not “ready on day one.” Heh. I can imagine the following scenario:
The bedside clock shows 3 am. Hillary Clinton’s phone rings. She picks it up.
Hillary: Hello. Who is this?
Obama’s voice: Hillary, hi, this is Barack. I hope I didn’t wake you up.
Hillary: No, of course not, Barack. Tell me, what is it?
Obama’s voice: Hillary, I have a question to ask you.
Hillary: I know what it is! Yes I will join you on your ticket! Together we will win! All the women will vote for me, I’m a woman! All white people will vote for me, I’m white! All Americans will vote for me, I’m entitled, I’m a Clinton! I even promise to keep Bill out of your wing in the White House, provided I have the budget to hire interns!
Obama’s voice: Er, actually, what I was going to ask was…
Hillary: Yes?
Obama’s voice: ... can you lend me your recipe book? I’m told you’re a really good cook.
Hillary shrieks, and then finds that Bill is shaking her as she lies on the floor, clutching the phone.
Bill: What happened, honey, did you have a bad dream? You must come to bed now, you’ve been lying besides the phone for hours, and you fell asleep like this.
Hillary: I know. Yes, I guess I had a bad dream. But I’ll stay awake now. I’m not leaving the phone.
Bill: Why?
Hillary: Because I’m not a quitter.
Posted by Amit Varma on 04 June, 2008 in
Dialogue |
News |
Politics
The Bollywood revelation of the day comes from Feroz Khan:
When the censor board lady objected to the two-minute kiss in Dayavan I asked her, ‘Haven’t you experienced this or else your husband is not a romantic man, ignoring a beautiful lady like you?’
Charming. (I wish he’d tried that line for a full-on sex scene.) I can imagine the censor board lady, presumably a 55-year-old housewife, going home and confronting her husband.
Censor board lady: You haven’t kissed me in 20 years now!
Husband: Eh? Where did that come from? It’s time for my tea.
Lady: You are not a romantic man!
Husband: Eh? Where did that come from? Can you repair the tear in my banyan please?
Lady: I am a beautiful lady and you are ignoring me!
Husband: Eh? Where did that come from? Didn’t I buy you a saree just three years ago?
Lady: That was three years ago.
Husband: Okay, I’ll buy you another saree then. And if you really want a kiss… [gets up to kiss]
Lady: Ugh. Coming to think of it, saree will do. Let’s go to Kala Niketan.
Posted by Amit Varma on 08 May, 2008 in
Arts and entertainment |
Dialogue
All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right
A coffin lid above -
Know that you aren’t alone
Many others share your fate,
You’re lucky you’ve already gone,
Or you’d have to wait.
My apologies to Vikram Seth, but I couldn’t resist being inspired after reading the WTF news of the day:
The mayor of a village in southwest France has threatened residents with severe punishment if they die, because there is no room left in the overcrowded cemetery to bury them.
In an ordinance posted in the council offices, Mayor Gerard Lalanne told the 260 residents of the village of Sarpourenx that “all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden from dying in the parish.”
It added: “Offenders will be severely punished.”
I’d love to be the cop responsible for punishing offenders.
Constable Varma, I haven’t seen you for a week, where have you been?
Sir, remember the old lady who popped it last Sunday? I went to the afterlife looking for her.
I see. And you bought an “I love Cannes” T-shirt over there?
(Link via email from Phani Vajapeyazula.)
Posted by Amit Varma on 07 March, 2008 in
Dialogue |
News |
WTF
Remember the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice? Well, Aadisht has an informative post on them, which informs us, to begin with, that the correct term for them is the Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice. Aadisht then shares glimpses of their history with us.
It turns out that they once banned pets in Saudi Arabia because they were considered a Western influence.
“One bad habit spreading among our youths is the acquisition of dogs and showing them off in the streets and malls,” wrote Aleetha al-Jihani in a letter to Al-Madina newspaper. “There’s no doubt that such a matter makes one shudder.”
“Then what’s the point of dragging a dog behind you?” he added. “This is blind emulation of the infidels.”
This is harmless, but not what they did in 2002, when they “stopped schoolgirls from leaving a blazing building because they were not wearing correct Islamic dress.” Fifteen girls died.
I can just imagine the following scene:
Eight members of the Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice are walking along the road. From the opposite side, a young man approaches. The young man is walking a dog. The dog is clad in a burqa.
The Committee goon stops him. “Hey boy,” he says. “How dare you walk a dog? Do you not know that is vice?”
The young man says: “I am not walking a dog, I am walking my sister. She is short. Being a good Saudi girl, she is all covered up. That is virtue.”
The Committee goons look at each other.
The young man continues: “Do you want me to prove it is my sister? I’ll have to remove her burqa for that?”
The Committee goon says, “Eh, no, no, no, continue. It’s okay. Have a good day.”
The young man moves on. The Committee goon’s sidekick looks at the Committee goon and says: “Did you hear his sister bark?”
Posted by Amit Varma on 17 February, 2008 in
Dialogue |
Freedom
A husband and wife are sitting in their living room, watching TV. Suddenly the husband gets up and starts looking for something.
Wife: What is it, love? What are you looking for?
Husband: My condoms, I need to find my condoms.
Wife: Uh, dear, actually I have a headache…
Husband: No baba, not for you. I need condoms for something else. I’m going out.
Wife: Going out where?
Husband: I’m going to a prostitute. I have a 8pm appointment for two hours of sex.
Wife: What? Prostitute? Sex? Dude, what the fug??
Husband: Relax sweety. You should be the last person to get angry. After all, you keep telling me that I should do something for charity. Well, this is it!
(Link via email from Devangshu Datta.)
Posted by Amit Varma on 29 November, 2007 in
Dialogue |
News
The Russian government has access to some seriously good dope. CNN-IBN reports:
The governor of a central Russian province urged couples to skip work on Wednesday and make love instead.
And if a woman gives birth in exactly nine months time - on Russia’s national day on June 12 - she will qualify for a prize.
Or the couple could do it on the weekend and try for a premature delivery. Really, I wonder how enjoyable the sex is if it’s taking place because of an incentive offered by the state. I can imagine this conversation:
Woman: What is it darling, I’ll all naked, and your wee-wee is wee-wee?
Man: Sweetheart, it’s a problem today, I just can’t, um, get it up. Can we play scrabble instead?
Woman: I don’t believe this! This is disgraceful!
Man: Chess? Gilli-danda?
Woman: But why? (plaintively) Is it me?
Man: No sweetheart, you see, I’m a libertarian, and if the state tells me to do something…
(Link via email from Andy.)
Posted by Amit Varma on 12 September, 2007 in
Dialogue |
WTF
Tabloid report of the day (click and scroll down):
A little birdie tells us that Smita Thackeray is a regular at the J W Marriott pool along with Rajveer Dutt, the hero of her film Kaisey Kahein. Apparently, she arrives with a battery of security men who stand around the pool as the duo splash about, making it incredibly uncomfortable for the other patrons.
And if that isn’t enough to grab everyone’s attention, Thackeray’s swimsuit certainly does. We hear it’s nothing short of a scuba diva suit and goes all the way to her ankles! Yikes!
I love the language these tabloid reporters use. But what if the Thackerays don’t get it? I can just imagine Balasaheb telling his goons to go and find the little birdie involved, and the goons looking up and scanning the sky in bewilderment.
Indeed, if all this happened in the delightful Sony serial, CID, Shivaji Satam would no doubt turn to his boys and say, “Fredericks, shahar mein jitne bhi birdie hai, un sab ko yahaan le aao.” And then Fredericks would go off, catch some nubile nymphet on the street, and say, ”Kya aapne yaahan kisi birdie ko dekha hai?” And she would look nervous and say, ”Nahin tho.” And then a “cheep-cheep” noise would come from her purse and that other tall CID fellow would bark at the nymphet, ”Yeh aapke purse mein kya hai?”
Cut to the CID office, where Shivaji Satam, one eyebrow raised—indeed, attached to the ceiling by a transparent thread—is asking her: ”Ms Nymphet, aapka birdie Smita Thackeray ka peechha kyun karta hai? Zaroor isme kuchh raaz chhipa hua hai.”
Yes, yes, I know—if the tabloids don’t drive you insane, television will.
Update: Shortly after putting up this post I was watching TV, and CID was on. This classic line came:
Yeh laash naqli hai.
Words escape me. I will follow.
Posted by Amit Varma on 10 August, 2007 in
Arts and entertainment |
Dialogue |
Journalism |
WTF
Anthem is napping. The phone rings. (You know the ringtone.) He picks it up. It’s Flag.
Flag: Anthem, Anthem, wake up, guess what happened.
Anthem: Er, give up. What happened?
Flag: I was on her body. Her body, Anthem. Her body!
Anthem: Wait, hang on here, whose body? Someone has a body?
Flag: I was on Mandira Bedi’s body! She wore me on her saree during Extraaa Innings! On her saree!
Anthem: Happiness explodes! Which part of her saree? Were you on the palloo, draped around her, um, ah? And why do you sound so upset?
Flag: Upset? I’ve been insulted! Here, here’s what Cricinfo’s ball-by-ball commentary says:
11.40am We are told that there is a row brewing in India where people are angry because Mandira Bedi is sporting a saree that has different flags stitched on it ... and the Indian flag was near her feet and that is supposed to be an insult.
Anthem: That is monstrous. Sadness implodes! Uproar downloads!
Flag: Wait, ah, ooh, there is an update:
12.10pm Meanwhile, Mandira Bedi has changed her saree ...
Anthem: Ah, that’s okay then, for a moment I was worried about India. This would have damaged our country. Our nation might not have recovered from the blow.
Flag: I know. Back to the cricket now. Sigh.
Earlier: The Anthem and the Flag.
Posted by Amit Varma on 28 April, 2007 in
Dialogue |
Freedom |
India
This is the 11th installment of my weekly column for Mint, Thinking it Through. It has its genesis in this post.
It was a hot April afternoon in Delhi. The Rashtrapati Bhavan Barista was empty. A waiter lounged by the counter, patriotically indulging in the national pastime (see 94th amendment) of doing nothing much. Then two customers walked in: National Anthem and National Flag.
“Sit,” said Flag to Anthem. “It looks like it’s been a tough month for you.”
Read more...
Posted by Amit Varma on 26 April, 2007 in
Dialogue |
Essays and Op-Eds |
Freedom |
India |
Thinking it Through
CNN-IBN reports:
Infosys Chief Mentor and Non-Executive Chairman NR Narayana Murthy landed in a mess on Tuesday after it was revealed that he may have unwittingly insulted the national anthem during a function at the company’s Mysore campus on April 8, where President APJ Abdul Kalam also took part.
It seems the anthem got up and walked off in a huff, and later called its friend, the flag, to whine about being insulted. “I hate being insulted like this,” it said. “You and I should emigrate and then, without us, the nation will have nothing to be proud of. Whaddya say?”
“Quite right,” said the flag. “I’m tired of this pole, in fact. You have no idea what nonsense it gets up to.”
Anyway, here’s a heated Ryze discussion on the subject. I think someone should just implant a chip in the brains of all these uber-patriots that plays the anthem 24/7. They’ll have to sleep standing up then.
(CNN-IBN link via email from reader Siddharth Chhikara. Ryze link via email from MadMan.)
Update: It seems that Sachin Tendulkar has committed “a crime under section 2 of the prevention of insult to national honour act of 1971.” He allegedly “cut a cake in the colours of the national flag during the Indian team’s stay in the West Indies last month.”
Do you think our “national honour”, whatever that is, can be endangered by the cutting of a cake? Pah!
Posted by Amit Varma on 11 April, 2007 in
Dialogue |
Freedom |
India
Greg Chappell walks into his hotel room after a hard day’s play. To his immense surprise, there is a Bong bombshell on his bed, in an elegant tanter sari. She smiles at him, raises one eyebrow seductively, and lets her palloo drop.
Chappell: My goodness, what is this? Who are you?
Bombshell: Greg-da, I’m a huge fan of yours, and I’ve come to express my admiration for your sexy, ahem, coaching!
Chappell: Take off your sari immediately!
Bombshell: What, so fast? I thought you were into ‘process’ and all.
Read more...
Posted by Amit Varma on 07 March, 2007 in
Dialogue |
Sport
Imagine this: man enters crowded place. Man blows himself up. There is a flash of light. Man find he is still alive. Or wait! He is dead! But he is in the afterlife, and there are the gates of heaven!
Man goes to gate. Gate opens. God is standing there to greet him.
“Welcome, young martyr,” says God. “For fighting them infidels, you get to come to heaven. And you know what you’re here to do, don’t you?”
“Yes,” says Martyr. “I know. I was a loser on earth, but here I finally get some action. Bring me the 4000 virgins.”
“4000 virgins?” says God. “Ha ha ha. You got to be kidding me.”
Read more...
Posted by Amit Varma on 03 March, 2007 in
Dialogue
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