12 May, 2008

“The Voters Have Stolen My Nomination”

Hillary Clinton lashes out in her bunker in this superb video by James Adomian:

Anybody who supports Barack Obama over Clinton, as I do, would have loved this commercial. But consider the resentment and rage Hillary supporters might feel when they watch this, and similar attacks in this vein. Won’t they be tempted to stay home when it’s time to vote in November?

(Link via separate emails from Gaurav Sabnis and J Alfred Prufrock.)

Posted at 12:39 PM by Amit Varma in Politics

Where Your Taxes Go: 32

On celebrating a mutiny that took place 150 years ago. MSN reports:

India spent Rs 130 crore to celebrate its First War of Independence, 1857 revolt, without constructing a memorial for the martyrs or their directory.

A day after the government officially ended the year-long celebrations, a member of the National Implementation Committee (NIC) on 1857 revolt has termed most of the expenditure as “waste” on a “national tamasha”.

A tamasha it is, and an ironic one at that, for our government is closer in spirit to the British forces of 1857 than to the mutineers—this waste of our money, coercively taken from us, is a great example of that. Will we ever rise up against such theft?

Also read: The Republic of Apathy.

(Link via email from Rajeev Mantri. For more on how our government loots us, check out my Taxes Archive.)

Posted at 12:05 PM by Amit Varma in Economics | India | News | Old memes | Taxes

Mrs Gandhi, Throw Arjun A Bone

Loyalty, thy name was dog. It is now Arjun Singh. NDTV reports:

A day after being reportedly snubbed by Sonia Gandhi, Arjun Singh has reacted saying that he would always be loyal to her and her family. [...]

The union minister said that when he met Pundit Nehru in 1960, he pledged his total loyalty to Nehru and his family and have scrupulously adhered to it. He also said that he shall do everything to maintain the loyalty and commitment to remaining members of the family till he lives.

I think Singh deserves greater reward than just the Ministry of Human Resource Development. What about handing him additional charge of the Ministry of Canine Resource Development?

(Link via email from Girish, who asks, “What about [loyalty to] the country?” Heh.)

Posted at 11:43 AM by Amit Varma in India | News | Politics | WTF

09 May, 2008

Ken Lee Meju More!

Right, I’m ill, incapacitated, out of action, so until I’m healthy again and can blog normally, here’s another priceless YouTube Video, from Bulgarian Idol.

(Link via email from Vinjk.)

Update: And here she is again. There’s even a Ken Lee online community. I love YouTube!

Oh, and here’s Mariah Carey’s gracious reaction.

Posted at 11:38 PM by Amit Varma in Arts and entertainment

How Tits Respond To Warming

I am henceforth going to take great interest in the environment.

(Link via separate emails from Ken and Ulrik.)

Posted at 5:17 PM by Amit Varma in Miscellaneous

Subtitles

I love this:

(Link via email from Vinjk.)

Posted at 5:11 PM by Amit Varma in Media | Miscellaneous

Somebody Take This Sinus Away

I won’t be blogging any more for most of today: my sinus has exploded, my throat has imploded, and there’s an elephant on my head. My laptop screen is swimming in front of me, and the only person who gives me TLC and treats me like a baby is half a continent away till Monday. So you’ll just have to manage without India Uncut updates for a while.

Note: Also, allow me to inform you that none of my photographs look like me. None at all. It’s most inexplicable.

Posted at 9:19 AM by Amit Varma in Personal

Saris For Votes

Oh Dog, here comes another punny headline:

Sari state of K’taka polls

And what causes the sari state? Saris do, that’s what.

Hemashree (24), the youngest contestant in the fray, is banking on her appeal as the host of a TV show that gives away saris to women.

I actually don’t find this deplorable at all. It is a given that voters will be bribed in elections, in different ways. How much I object to politicians depends partly on how much taxpayers’ money (my money) they offer as bribe. (Free TVs, saris, make-work employment schemes etc.) If this woman is cashing in on popularity that she has earned by giving away saris bought with private money, what’s wrong with that? It is at least, odd as it sounds, an honest form of corruption.

(Link via email from Abhishek.)

Posted at 9:05 AM by Amit Varma in India | News | Politics

08 May, 2008

A Conversation With God

It is redundant to mention WTFness when one speaks of Bejan Daruwalla. Here’s a gem:

One night during my moment of revelations with God, I learnt that ‘devi maa’ will conquer the world through her splendid glory. As I was writing my conversation with God and I wrote Ganeshji will support this year through its turbulent times. Next morning to my surprise the letters changed and it was the Goddess in its place.

If you said something like this in any context besides religion, your loved ones would be calling a psychiatrist. But somehow religion makes it all okay.

And hey, remember Pratibha Patil?

Posted at 5:54 PM by Amit Varma in Old memes | Astrology etc | WTF

The IPL reveals India’s Bench Strength

I begin a fortnightly column on cricket today for NDTV Convergence called Over the Wicket. Here’s the first installment: The IPL reveals India’s bench strength.

Related pieces:

Celebrating Twenty20 Cricket (April 20, 2008)
Opportunity, choice and the IPL (March 13, 2008)
There’s Nothing Wrong In Being ‘Commercial’ (Feb 24, 2008)
The Twenty20 Age Begins (Aug 8, 2007)

Posted at 5:21 PM by Amit Varma in Essays and Op-Eds | Sport

The WTF Tie of the Year

The only good thing about the tie below is that it deflects attention from that WTF shirt. My sensibilities are furiously upset, and I demand that Salman Khan be arrested.

(Image courtesy Rediff.)

Posted at 1:47 PM by Amit Varma in Arts and entertainment | WTF

Josef Fritzl Wants Brownie Points

Oh man, this is surely the WTF headline of this generation:

Incestuous dad wants credit for not killing children

Just read that story, it’s amazing. The incestuous dad in question is Josef Fritzl, about whom I’d written here. I hope they shove him in jail for the rest of his life and make sure he’s buggered 48 times a day by a posse of trained gorillas, who then get extra bananas for good behaviour because they didn’t kill him. Justice.

(Link via email from Vinjk.)

Posted at 10:06 AM by Amit Varma in News | WTF

The Dayavan Kiss and the Censor Board Lady

The Bollywood revelation of the day comes from Feroz Khan:

When the censor board lady objected to the two-minute kiss in Dayavan I asked her, ‘Haven’t you experienced this or else your husband is not a romantic man, ignoring a beautiful lady like you?’

Charming. (I wish he’d tried that line for a full-on sex scene.) I can imagine the censor board lady, presumably a 55-year-old housewife, going home and confronting her husband.

Censor board lady: You haven’t kissed me in 20 years now!

Husband: Eh? Where did that come from? It’s time for my tea.

Lady: You are not a romantic man!

Husband: Eh? Where did that come from? Can you repair the tear in my banyan please?

Lady: I am a beautiful lady and you are ignoring me!

Husband: Eh? Where did that come from? Didn’t I buy you a saree just three years ago?

Lady: That was three years ago.

Husband: Okay, I’ll buy you another saree then. And if you really want a kiss… [gets up to kiss]

Lady: Ugh. Coming to think of it, saree will do. Let’s go to Kala Niketan.

Posted at 9:39 AM by Amit Varma in Arts and entertainment | Dialogue

07 May, 2008

Full Timepass in Parliament

You don’t need to elect film stars to parliament to get full entertainment. CNN-IBN reports:

The much-delayed Bill providing 33 per cent reservation for women in legislatures was introduced in Rajya Sabha amid high drama and protests by Samajwadi Party (SP) members on Tuesday.

Law Minister H R Bhardwaj introduced the controversial Bill in the midst of Samajwadi Party members trying to snatch its copies from the hands of the Minister. But the Congress MPs formed a human chain around Bhardwaj as he introduced the Bill by a voice vote.

To protest against the Bill, SP members also reportedly threw papers at the Congress MPs. [...]

An agitated SP MP Abu Azmi said, “If given a chance I would have torn the Bill.”

However, Congress members intervened and Women and Child Development Minister Renuka Chaudhary repulsed SP’s attempts by pushing Azmi away.

I was on NDTV’s show We the People once with Renuka Chaudhary as a fellow guest—we fought over the women’s reservation bill among other things—and I can attest to how formidable she is. Indeed, you put her and The Great Khali in a ring and she will wipe the floor with that bugger and have him curling up in a foetal position at the end of it and asking for Mummy. Still, parliament is not an akhada, and if we pay Rs 26,000 per minute for its proceedings, you figure out what this entertainment costs us, and whether it’s worth it.

(Link via email from Vinjk.)

Update: The Telegraph’s report on the subject has this priceless paragraph:

“Had I pushed him, there would have been byelections,” minister Renuka Chowdhury, more substantial than Kamal Akhtar, her adversary from the Samajwadi Party, later joked outside Parliament after she and some fellow women members had fought off a brawny bid to stop the women’s reservation bill from being tabled today.

Note to the reporter: are you sure she was joking?

(Link via email from Rahul Gaur.)

Posted at 12:44 PM by Amit Varma in India | News | Politics

06 May, 2008

Dear Ravi Shastri

Dear Ravi Shastri

Have you ever seen a tracer bullet? Do you even know what a tracer bullet is?

Regards

Amit Varma

*

More open letters here. And earlier...

Posted at 9:14 PM by Amit Varma in Letters | Media | Sport

Kewl is Not Cool

Check out this delightfully spirited rant by Mudra Mehta about the language habits of the people around her. I’m sure her contemporaries—the child is 19—find her demanding, but I don’t think she is demanding enough. She tolerates ellipses, doesn’t mind sloppy English in “IM/SMS” and writes “accord it the respect it deserves” instead of “give it the respect it deserves”. But minor quibbles aside, her points are all good, and I like the feisty tone.

More from the experts:

VS Naipaul’s Advice To Writers
Eight Rules For Writing Fiction—Kurt Vonnegut
Elmore Leonard’s Advice For Writers

Posted at 3:19 PM by Amit Varma in Arts and entertainment | Miscellaneous

Vadapavs For the Marathi Manoos

Okay, this is not satire. PTI reports:

Hot vadapavs served in corporate style with a ‘Jai Maharashtra’ greeting from an assured Maharashtrian vendor - Shiv Sena will now take the popular snack to the Marathi Manoos their way.

Announcing a state-wide network of Maharashtra Vadapav Vikreta Sena, the party mouthpiece Saamna said on Tuesday that the Shiv Sena sponsored association of vendors would be selling the popular spicy preparation comprising bread and potatoes at various stalls in hygienic conditions matching McDonalds and international pizza outlets.

What a sentence! I’m not sure a business started by a political party can work, but I’m a huge fan of “the popular spicy preparation comprising bread and potatoes,” and wish them all the best. What’s more, I demand that the vadapav be served on pages of Saamna, so that the Maharashtrian experience is complete. Hokay?

(Link via email from Vinjk.)

Posted at 3:09 PM by Amit Varma in India | News | Politics

“A Polygamous Retreat With Gong Li and Scarlett Johansson”

The Fake Steve Jobs tells us what happened when Jerry Yang phoned him:

So I cut him off, and I’m like, Jerry, hold on. Hold on. Stop. Listen to me. Jerry, you know what? It’s been great knowing you. Really it has. And I think you’re going to make a fantastic member of the Ex-Founders Club, alongside Woz and Paul Allen. I’m sure you’ll find ways to keep busy. Maybe you can do some creative investments. Build an electric car. Or a commercial spacecraft. Open a restaurant in Napa. Take up high-altitude ballooning.

He’s like, Steve, I don’t want to go ballooning, I want to keep running Yahoo. I’m like, Dude, I want to turn my house into a polygamous retreat with Gong Li and Scarlett Johansson as my new wives, but that wish ain’t gonna come true. And neither is yours. Sorry.

He was crying again when I hung up.

This is not a fair battle. Where’s the Fake Jerry Yang?

(Link via email from Mohit.)

Posted at 10:13 AM by Amit Varma in Miscellaneous

05 May, 2008

Cans are American

Inspired by my post, Raj Thackeray Owns Maharashtra (and Amar Singh is a Frog), reader Ullas Marar conjures up a Saamna editorial by Bal Thackeray:

The Marathi manoos knows who will safeguard their interests. Raj Thackeray is a fraud. At a time when Shiv Sainiks are working their socks off to instill Marathi values in people, Raj blatantly patronizes unhealthy western influences like ‘throwing cans’. He has joined hands with the bar girls’ union to promote cans and lure more Marathi manoos to vices like drinking. No Shiv Sainik will ever throw cans. We take pride in our culture. Throw eggs, tomatoes (no puree), chappals (only Kolhapuri), but no cans. Cans are American. This is my rallying call to all Sainiks. Come forward and empty every single can you can lay hands on, so that Raj and his goons don’t corrupt our traditions. Jai Maharashtra!

- Bal Thackeray (Saamna)

Ullas concludes his email: “After this inspiring editorial, Shiv Sainiks were seen heading to the nearest bar to ‘empty’ as many cans as they can.”

Maybe Raj was inspired by Bono...

Posted at 6:32 PM by Amit Varma in India | Politics

Much Ado About Nothing

The unduly excited punctuation of the day comes from Hindustan Times:

Amy Winehouse cheats on hubby again!

I haven’t been following Winehouse’s personal life too closely, but if she cheated on her husband once, as the above headline implies, then why the exclamation mark at the end? (Unless, of course, the sub-editor who wrote that headline is the chappie who got lucky, and the exclamation is also a proclamation.)

Anyway, here’s a blast from the past: An image of Billie Holiday.

Posted at 4:25 PM by Amit Varma in Arts and entertainment | WTF